Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.