New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”