Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.