I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”