My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.