There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint