The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”