I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”