Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.