If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”