My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.