“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.