I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.