If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here