Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.