Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.