Your proctologist called. He found your head.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.