I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.