Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.