Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”