-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”