“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?