Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.