[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭