Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”