Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.