I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.