We are the people our parents warned us about.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.