Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working