Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.