Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”