Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-