So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”