Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats