“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.