Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*