If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.