Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.