Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles