If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.