“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.