My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.