I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas