Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it