My birthstone is kidney
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today