Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Butt weight. There’s more!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.