An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.