In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer