The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
an octopus is just a wet spider
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.