Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My biological clock is wheezing.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.